Satire: Interview with Big Brother Jack Bulldog
December 7, 2020
You might think you know who calls the shots at Georgetown. But you don’t. You may never even have heard of Jack the Bulldog- the all-powerful figure who controls our fates from the shadows. He is only ever referred to with deferential murmurs of Big Brother. Recently this scribe sat down with the Big Brother of Georgetown Crypt in Qatar.
Though classes had not been held the entire semester, cries of anguish were still rife in the air. The screeches of a victim from last year, who had been tortured mercilessly by the unrelenting Economics instruments, still reverberated around the complex. Jack the Bulldog’s office is in the bowels of the haunted necropolis of Georgetown Crypt. Big Brother Bulldog received us at the door of his office and ushered us in.
We got right down to business. We asked Brother Bulldog about the extra work being given to students who were mentally overwhelmed by the pandemic as it was. Brother Bulldog leaned back in a satisfied manner to answer. “A decision I take a lot of pride in! You see, it is about time we showed those chaps in Washington who’s the boss. With our students working extra hard during the pandemic while those D.C. people slack off, we’ll overtake them in no time! They won’t know what hit ‘em! Soon our campus will be the main campus, and they will be our satellite! Promotion!!”
When this scribe challenged the good Brother with how students were actually struggling to juggle the huge course load, he assured us that all necessary measures were in place to help students, “We have been told that all instructors abundantly use the smile and heart emojis on Zoom! What do you call that? I call that achievement!”
Moving onto our next question, Brother Bulldog was asked why, despite fierce student pushback, e-books were not replaced with physical books for the Spring semester of 2021. Brother Bulldog exclaimed, “Another project I personally orchestrated! You see, for years, these millennial types have been looking down at us boomers for not using their- wadya call it? Instachat? Well, guess what? The joke’s on them now!”
A cacophony of evil laughter followed this elaboration.
The tentacles of student depression and exam stress seemed to haunt this forsaken place at all times, and we wanted to wrap things up quickly. We asked him for comments on the victory of Joe Biden in the recent US elections. Brother Bulldog released a sad sigh. “Supreme Commander Trump was a true friend of the Crypt. Biden and his climate green stuff. Dawg ain’t nobody got time for that!”
Now it was almost evening and time for various monsters from your nightmares to rise and party the night away at their favorite place in Qatar. We asked Brother Bulldog what he made of the future.
“Don’t care as long as we keep those Northwestern folks guessing and one step behind us!”
We scrammed before the gargoyles got to us.